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Tired…of Waiting

April 19, 2021 — 2 Comments

image: Ged Carrol on Flickr

We are tired.

Of all the places we look to find what is draining, wearying, and exhausting, waiting might surprise you.

The space of waiting can be both depleting and dangerous–a place where we are tempted to do things we would never otherwise consider.

There’s a fascinating and powerful picture of this “waiting space” in the story of Israel in the midst of their exodus from Egypt. The people have seen God do the impossible in their rescue–parting the Red Sea, squashing the false gods of Egypt, and overcoming the region’s most powerful army; they have witnessed supernatural provision and experienced physical manifestation’s of God’s presence.

In chapter 24 of Exodus, God calls Moses up Mount Sinai again to meet with him. “Again” is an important word here–because others have seen something this happen before and have even been present at a distance when God has spoken in power to Moses.

This time, Moses is invited further up and God speaks. God speaks for a long time–days and days and days.

The people of Israel grow restless. They must know God is speaking–every sign is there as it had been in moments past.

God is speaking,
he is just not speaking directly to them yet.

Moses’ job in this is to listen and relay; the peoples’ job is to wait, and the leaders’ job is to hold the line of faithfulness.

Listening, waiting, holding.
For most, it’s a waiting space.

It’s here that tragedy strikes: the second-in-command is afraid of losing the people as they wait and as their anxieties increase. So, after meeting with the God With the Unpronounceable Name who has moved day after day in power, this leader and the people craft an idol and start to worship it.

What should have been a place of confident rest instead became anxious, exhausting impatience where truth was exchanged for lie and God’s trustworthiness was called into question.

I wonder how many of us have a sense God is speaking and moving… but not yet speaking and moving in our specific circumstance. We can wait and rest in confidence so that when it is time to hear and respond, we are ready. Or we can–out of anxious impatience–shift to crafting our own way in our own time, buying into a lie that God can’t be trusted and his timeline is too long.

One of those options positions us so we can act when it’s time; the other fractures us and and leaves us absolutely exhausted.

Where are you waiting, and what does it look like to wait well–with confidence and restful assurance?

In Tired impatience, Tired, trust, Waiting

(Not?) Who We Are

April 16, 2021 — Leave a comment

I’m pausing in the series of “Why am I so tired?” posts to interact with an altogether different kind of tired conversation.

“This is not who we are.”

I was recently sent these words in a correspondence responding to yet another instance of racism and bigotry caught on camera. But they were nothing new. It seems every time a person of color or other minority culture individual is assaulted, degraded, mocked, killed, or otherwise suffers at the hands of someone from the majority culture, we hear a similar sentiment. “That is sad and unacceptable… but remember, it’s not who we are.”

What a cop-out.

Let’s be honest here: This is who we are.

Until we are willing to acknowledge that who we are is broken and who we are is not who we want to be, I don’t know how anything will change. If we convince ourselves “this isn’t who we are,” then we minimize the voices inviting us to be better, to be different, to own our individual and corporate need to really see the image of God in each and every person. We hush the Voice inviting us to be new and we push away the invitation to be desperate in pursuit of real transformation.

When we say, “but this is not who we are,” we are saying instances of bigotry in all its sundry forms are simply outliers–acts perpetrated always and only by “someone else” with no connection to us or the systems and practices we engage with every day. It means we never have to look at ourselves and what we allow or perpetuate.

When we say, “this is not who we are,” then it’s only someone else who must do something; the rest of us don’t have to do anything–we can shake our collective head from a distance, wrapped in the warm embrace of imagining all of this to be someone else’s problem. We don’t need to be sorrowful or move into discomfort to take any ownership for where we are…because that’s not who we are.

Instead, let’s try, “This is not who we want to be, and we must find a new way.” By itself, this won’t solve or fix anything, but it’s a start.

In General Racism

Why am I so tired?

April 14, 2021 — 1 Comment

Something is terribly wrong and we know it.
Google “Why am I…” and a fun list of common questions pops up–

Why am I always tired
Why am I so tired
Why am I always cold (probably because you’re tired)
Why am I not losing weight (might be tired)
Why am I dizzy (is this dizzy-tired?)
Why am I so tired all the time
Why am I so gassy (not sure if this has to do with being tired, but who knows?)
Why am I tired all the time
Why am I peeing so much (…)
Why am I always hungry (I’m sure there’s a connection here…)

The truth is, you probably are tired.

I know I am.

Personally, trying to be a good husband, dad, pastor, leader, and communicator–on its most energizing day–is exhausting. The same can be said by you, I’m sure–whatever your list of roles and investments looks like: breadwinner/entrepreneur/student/significant other/parent/caretaker/dreamer… even at its most energizing, we can be left exhausted.

Add into this trying to make it through a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, and new kinds of anxieties & pressures… and it makes you wonder how you’re going to make it through intact much less unscathed. Navigating all of it–constantly responding, reacting, ancticipating, adjusting… while working, striving, and managing within a space of tension, trauma, and anxiety. It’s no wonder we find ourselves depleted.

I’m convinced part of our tiredness and exhaustion is a kind of soul-weariness we find when we mis-engage in the spaces of waiting, in the places of confusion, and in the gaps where the world needs you & me to live into our purpose. Over the next few posts, I’ll share what I’m discovering about the space of waiting, being a person of truth, and how I’m finding a renewed energy even in the chaos.

In Tired Exhaustion, Purpose, Tired, Waiting

A Blessing

April 12, 2021 — Leave a comment

For you bless the righteous, O LORD;
You cover them with favor as with a shield.
Psalm 5:12, NRSV

In Scripture

A Prayer

April 10, 2021 — Leave a comment

Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.

Psalm 50:3a, NIV

O God, our God, you approach.
You will not be stopped;
you cannot be contained;
you are the one who pursues us.

We are desperate for you to move–to approach us in these circumstances
of life
of death
of hope
of heartache.

Be not silent–you are the one who creates and sustains and renews and calls us to life by your word.

We are waiting for you because you alone have the words of life.
Speak over us.
Speak for us.
Speak in us.
Speak through us.

Our God approaches, and he is not silent!

In Prayer Prayer